I met with a man once who had just been separated from his wife. They had been married 10 years and had four beautiful children. He was devastated! This was a burley dude – beard and all, crying like my two-year-old at bedtime. He loved her, and he longed to be back with her! But he stated that it was not going to work. He had been emotionally abusive, and now, even though he may have said the word divorce first, she was the one filing papers. There was no solution in sight.

The fact of the matter is that for many individuals that come to see me in this state, it is often too late. One of my mentors likened this task to cancer diagnosis. “I’m sorry. It’s too late; your relationship has days, weeks, or just months to live. It’s time to say your good byes.”

Breakups Suck!

So what can you do to get on with life when you really feel like there is no reason to go on? And why would you because if she/he doesn’t love you or want you, why go on? And why would anyone else ever take two seconds on you?

That is the only question that matters: Why go on?

(I love the work of Simon Sinek. Check out his TED talk. He thinks that the number one thing you can do to be successful in life and business is to start with your “Why.” If you like that he also has a great book. See link below.)

So back to the question, “Why go on?” If you are someone currently in the midst of a breakup, getting ready to dump or get dumped, you really are nowhere ready to answer this question. Here are three things you must do to get over/through your breakup and be able to answer the only question that matters.

1. Take Time To Be Depressed

Yep, you heard me right. Post breakup depression is par for the course. You’re going to hurt for awhile. So watch Netflix, eat some ice-cream, go for a run, or take a day off, but give yourself a time limit. Decide how many days you need; one, three, seven, or two weeks. Make it official. Americans are lousy about taking time off, but this is one time you must take a timeout. To be clear, this won’t remedy all of your pain, but it’s an important first step.

For more about depression check out my other article, Overcoming Depression: It's like climbing Mount Kilimanjaro.

2. Accept It

Yep, your life sucks right now, and it may not be great for a while, because it feels like a mad wildebeest has gouged out your heart. Accepting this hurt can be very powerful. Instead of letting life happen to you, acceptance is the first step in taking charge. This next part is going to be especially hard to read/accept. You may even think I’m full of it! Here goes.

What part of this was your responsibility? What did you do? And how can you prevent it from happening in the future? You might not have an answer. That’s OK, but you need to be willing to consider it. Ask someone you trust to give you an honest critique. Therapists are particularly helpful in this regard. One of the most meaningful parts of the therapeutic relationship is that access to honest feedback. If you pursue this exercise, you may be surprised, blown away even, by what you learn.

Ultimately it can give you critical information about how you are in relationships. Critical, because you are likely to repeat the same behaviors and crappy relationship habits if you don’t change. So accept that you had something to do with this.

3. Change Your Behavior

It’s likely that you have been living in a fairly consistent manner for some time. Catastrophic events have a brilliant way of causing/motivating change. Look at 9/11 and all of the changes that it caused in our country, some good, some bad. After you’ve taken some time, you have to change your approach to life. If you don’t, you will remain depressed, and other parts of your life will be affected. Your performance at work will deteriorate, you’ll gain weight or lose weight, and it will negatively impact your remaining relationships (i.e. you’ll be a bad friend and a lousy family member).

When I say, “change your behavior,” I’m talking about starting positive habits that will help you become better. For example, write in a journal. It could be a daily positive affirmation or a description of your past. It really doesn’t matter what you write about, because the ultimate result will be a revelation of your why. “What do you want out of life?” More ideal would be, “What do you want out of your next relationship?” and “What do you want to be for that relationship?” Other examples include, seeking additional education, start the job search you’ve been avoiding, or begin an exercise program. Whatever it is, make a fundamental change in the way you live.

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