I was talking with my mom about The Psych Spot the other day, and she mentioned something about men’s mental health. She wondered if men and women have similar mental health concerns. It made me think about one of our most difficult problems as men.

 We have a really hard time being vulnerable.

Being vulnerable means accepting weakness, a lack of knowledge, skill or ability.

The reality is that men suffer from mental health issues and benefit from counseling just as much as women do, but often men’s symptoms look a bit different or are just never reported. Men’s mental health is almost a misnomer. Google “men’s mental health” and you really come up with very little. I was telling my mom, “I can’t be Macho and depressed at the same time. But I can be angry and macho.” So yeah, guys get anxious and depressed just as often as women, but we show it much differently. Guys get pissed! Mostly it’s more socially acceptable for everyone to be angry rather than say I’m sad, unsure, hurt, or just plain freaking out! But this is true especially for men. Modern masculinity is a funny thing that way. It really has left us nowhere to run when we have no one to turn to and we are at the end of our ropes. It’s the traditional, “men don’t ask for directions” stigma. We don’t ask directions because that wouldn’t be manly. In other words, we are admitting that we don’t know something and that we might be a little less confident, strong, manly, and macho than we normally show and secretly hope to be at some future point in time.

On the other hand, being vulnerable is vital in developing deep relationships, especially romantic relationships. This is because vulnerability is critical to intimacy. Intimacy being those moments of closeness, where both parties feel safe to share their weaknesses, and also really personally important information, like life dreams. Romantic relationships – or any relationship – can really benefit and be strengthened with vulnerability.

But being vulnerable is hard. Our instinct is to put up walls to protect ourselves. In my counseling we work on vulnerability almost every session.  It’s that important!

How do we start to do this?

Here are three simple ways to begin being vulnerable and change the way we show our masculinity:

1: Ask for help

It really is that simple. When we ask for help, we are real. We are authentic, and people will buy it. They won’t necessarily think we are ignorant. The most amazing thing is that we will appear teachable and willing to learn. How many times out of ten do you think someone will get hired or chosen for a team when they appear teachable?

2: Change the way you listen

The next time someone wants to talk to you about – anything really – just listen. While you are listening, do not try to fix it. One of the most excellent parts of most men’s traditional strategy is a laser focus on solution. Whether this is the result of social expectations or the end of evolution, who knows. The fact is when most of us are confronted with a problem, our brain views it as a fight or flight scenario. It’s truly like, “OK, T-Rex is going to come eat my family, what should I do?” Even if I simply heard that there’s no more milk. This is where the “fix it” comes from. But the reality is that for many many situations it’s not a T-Rex these days. Mostly, we can just change the way we listen and start redefining a new caveman.

3: Share your goals

This may be a bit more oblique then the last two. I’ll try to explain. If we are going to change the way men are viewed as angry, aggressive, emotional deserts, we need to begin to convey our whole selves, our real selves, and even our secret selves. To be masculine and fully formed as an emotional and vulnerable person you need to have moments where you share those most personal and even secret dreams and goals. So, for instance. What do you want your life to be like in 5, 10, and 20 years? Where do you want to live, what do you dread about your day tomorrow, what do you wish you could change about yourself, what are you avoiding? Does your girlfriend, wife, or even a best friend, father, or sibling know any of these things about you? It would be normal if they didn’t, and that’s what I am talking about. The macho guy would never talk about this stuff! But if you do you become something totally new. An improved man, one that is transparent, strong, and real. A new macho.