So I’m constantly working with guys who are at some stage of change. Or at least they recognize that something needs to change. Their mood has gotten bad enough, they’re tired of their crap job, or their terrible relationship skills have served them up with an ultimatum.

The funny thing is that a lot of them don’t want to change. Can you blame them (or anybody) for not wanting change? Nope! That’s because change sucks! As a kid, my dad was in the Air Force, and, like a lot of other military families, we moved around a lot. Every single move was hard. It would tie my stomach in knots every time I even thought about moving to a new house, or worse, a new school. I was terrible at making friends, and change was definitely hard. So I get it. I don’t like change anymore than the next guy! What I don’t get is when people refuse to change for their partners. This goes for both men and women.

Biology Starts The Ball Rolling

Relationships are about two people coming together. Initially we get together because of biology. She’s smokin’ hot, and you can’t help but introduce yourself and take it to the next level. That goes on for a while, and life is good. But then you start to think about not having this person next to you forever, and you panic! Right? We make music and movies and write stories about this crap. But here’s the thing: This type of love and the relationships formed around biology, sex, twitterpation - call it whatever - just don’t last.

When that stuff starts to ware off, and you realize that they load the dishwasher funny, or they have really weird hang-ups about germs, clothes, or what quality time means, that’s when the real work begins. By the way, this is just par for the course! Estrogen, testosterone and oxytocin just don’t carry you much farther than that.

I'm Falling Out Of Love

This is typically when people start to panic for the second time. They fear that there’s no longer any “chemistry,” or that they are “falling out of love.” What a farce! You just ran out of hormone-induced infatuation, that’s all. It’s not the end of the world, good sex, or even the end of your relationship. It just means that you need to reframe your objective. Rather then focusing on the amazing passion, or the way he looks right after a shower, try setting goals together. Talk about what you really want out of life, and how she/he can help you get there. Lasting relationships come out of this transition, and they do persist, believe it or not, but it takes two. Because once the passion does die down a bit, there is bound to be conflict.

And when things go sideways, well you know the drill. You get selfish, put up walls, and draw a line in the sand. From there on in things really take a dive. There is no better way to insure that your relationship sucks, and possibly ends, than the words, “I’m not going to change.” Talk about a way to push someone away! Meanwhile, between the lines it’s easy for your loved-one to hear, “You’re not worth it.” “I don’t care what you think,” and even, “I don’t love you.” I work with this type of inflexibility constantly, and the thing is that nobody can change anyone else. That is, unless that person wants to change.

But You're Already Changing

The truth, though, is that we are constantly changing. We sure change when our boss gives us a poor review, or we get fired. We change when the doctor says we are dying, and we change anytime we want to impress someone. We even suddenly become fascinated with watches - an anachronism - when Apple decides that we need them.

I’m not giving specific examples here, because I really don’t care about what you are fighting about. If you want the numbers, most people argue about money, sex, parenting, religion, and politics. That’s it. There really are no surprises.  What I care about is the inflexibility, that unwillingness to come to the table. If that’s where you are, you’re on a sinking ship. Dead man walking. The end is inevitable.

So what are we talking about here? We’re talking about being willing to change. We’re talking about making that can’t-live-without-you person feel happier, more secure, more heard, and more valued. So call it compromise, call it taking turns, call it “I love you, so I can do some things differently!”

Whatever you do, you need to start consistently showing her that she matters, and that you’d pick her again. If there is something you can change to make life easier for your partner and your relationship, why not do it?