“I’m losing it Jay. I’m going crazy. I feel like she’s already got her bags packed, and she’s got one foot out the door. I don’t know what to do. When I start to think about it, my head starts to spin, and I feel out of control and like there’s nothing I can do. I’ve screwed up too much. She’s not going to listen to anything I say. There’s no way to take back or make up for all the crap I’ve done.”

This is a version of a story that I hear at least weekly. Their world is crashing down around their knees, and they are at a loss.

My suggested strategy has two parts: Stop the Bleeding & Fuel Up

Stop the Bleeding

This first part is all about attending to the relationship. She has to know she is your priority, that you’re making changes, and that you’re in it for the long haul.

Typically, if a guy finds himself in this kind of relationship crises, it’s safe to say he’s had enough fights and heard enough complaints, that he could pretty easily come up with a list of things that his wife/girlfriend wishes he did differently. So if this is you, here’s my suggestion: Just pick one, and do it right now! Pick one of those things on her list and do it. Do it like she never imagined you would. Once you’ve got that one down, pick another, but just start with one.

Just pick one.

She will notice.

Fuel Up

This second part is all about getting out of your head, calming yourself down, and increasing bandwidth.

When you notice the cascading wall of negativity, worry and insecurity coming, notice it, and switch. Switch your thinking, and your activity, and your emotions will follow. Notice the worry that she will leave you, notice the panic for no reason, or notice how you suddenly get angry. Then engage.

Do 50 push ups, or read, or chop wood, play a game, or call a friend, or go to work. Get into your project or plan something. You have some options here. You can focus strictly on your strengths by doing something you’re really good at. Or you can pick something that’s just interesting or complicated – something you can’t do and think about the end of times. So rebuild a transmission or write a computer program or solve a complicated puzzle. Something that takes precision and focus.

The reason you need to notice and then engage is to move beyond the worry, and remain present for her.