I’ve written about relationships before, but a few of you asked for more specific ideas and examples of how to get closer. Here are a few of my random thoughts on behaviors that I think matter a great deal in relationships.
- Date. Take turns planning activities for each other. They don’t have to cost anything. Walks, games, even Redbox counts. Intentionally setting aside time for only each other and making a specific plan, even just once a week, completely recharges your relationship battery.
- Touch. I’m a huge advocate for touch. I don’t think there is a more foolproof conflict intervention strategy or relationship building exercise than physical touch. A hand-on-shoulder, a hug, or a kiss. Nothing sends the message of “I’m on your side,” “I choose you,” “I’ve got your back” or “I love you” more profoundly. So get your cuddle on! It’s great for attachment, mood, anxiety, and yes, sex!
- Dream. This is something that can take place at anytime in the relationship lifecycle. Whether you are two days in or two decades in, building life dreams together is huge, but often neglected. Look at homes, boats, schools, talk to each other about the real wants of your heart.
- Cook. If you are into it, make a meal together. Go to Pinterest and find something new, buy some good ingredients and go for it! Food is culture, and one of the best ways to share your culture and develop a unified culture as a couple.
- Set Goals. I often ask what kind of goals people have as a couple and they look at me like I’ve given them a pop quiz. Find something that you both want, and figure out how you both will get it. Is it diet? Money? A trip? Getting out of debt? Being happy together? They are all great starting points for couple goals.
- Play. We all get caught up in the daily grind. Play helps us get out of the mundane patterns/routines that we develop that can lead to boredom and fighting. Go throw a ball, bowl, or ski together. Novelty is important to a relationship.
- Pray. This may seem like a departure for a psychologist, but spirituality can be an important component of a person’s life, and if it is part of your life, getting in tune with each other’s beliefs as a couple is huge. If you already share the same beliefs, practice together. Read, pray, meditate. Whatever you do, do it together.
- Read. Share a book together. It can start on a date: go to a bookstore or browse Amazon together. Find a book or two or three and bring them home. Don’t read quietly side by side. You might like that, but to grow closer, read out loud to each other. If you insist on reading individual books, make a point to read parts with each other. Share, discuss, and touch doggone it! Find somewhere comfortable to sit together and be next to each other.
- Remember. Grab your old photos or scroll through Facebook, and look at where you have been together. Things that you have done, accomplished, overcome. What were your most difficult times? Where did you live and what did you have to do to even be together in the first place? I bought a cell phone for Courtney and flew to see her at college a couple of times. It gives you perspective, which is important because you need to recognize how that compares to now. Have you been through worse periods? Have you done bigger things? Maybe you have, maybe not, but you’ve got the data. Otherwise we just forget and our nag list gets longer.
- Power off. What do we normally do in the spare moments of life now? If you have a smart phone, you’re checking Facebook, texts, Twitter and Youtube. Decide as a couple to turn them off. Whether you’re at a stoplight or sitting at dinner, decide to talk to each other rather than dive into your electronic-zombie-happy-place.