Everyone Should Read This Book

I want to tell you all about this book I’m reading.

Daring Greatly by Brené Brown PhD, LMSW

EVERYONE SHOULD READ THIS BOOK. I have referenced the author before in one of my posts on shame. Dr. Brene Brown is a vulnerability and shame researcher from the University of Houston, and her work rocks!

I haven’t even finished reading it yet, but I can’t wait to share some of my favorite parts with you.

First, read this. This is what inspired the title of the book.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. ~ Theodore Roosevelt

I’m getting this printed and framed! What a statement. I’ve written about becoming an epic hero before but this, for me, embodies so much of what I believe men can become. As a teen I adored the mantras, “Go big or go home” and “If you’re not living on the edge you’re taking up too much space.” At the time I didn’t recognize it but these statements both embrace and even encourage failure. If we can learn to accept more failure and discomfort in life, I know we can achieve so much more. I want all of my clients to be able to stand in the arena and dare greatly!

Here are two of my favorite quotes from the book so far:

Vulnerability is Not Weakness

Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection. p. 2

I spend so much of my time working on this with clients! So many of us fear vulnerability because it makes us feel weak. Some of my most perfectionistic and tightly strung clients make this a real chore. But the fact of the matter is that we just don’t have a choice whether or not to be vulnerable. Life happens and vulnerability is forced upon us. Eventually we have to ask for help, or tell a friend we have cancer, or we try to initiate sex, or we get scared. We might even start a business, or try to say “no” for the first time. See? We really don’t have a choice about vulnerability, but we can choose to engage with it. For me, I am constantly encouraging my people to bump up against their own vulnerability and grind away at those barriers.

Disconnection Unravels Us

Remembering that shame is the fear of disconnection—the fear that we’re unlovable and don’t belong—makes it easy to see why so many people in midlife overfocus on their children’s lives, work sixty hours a week, or turn to affairs, addiction, and disengagement. We start to unravel. The expectations and messages that fuel shame keep us from fully realizing who we are as people. p.109

This could be stamped on the foreheads of so many of my guys. Most of them have ignored their relationships, their careers, their health, or their bodies, and now they’re coming apart at the seams! Disengagement has buried them! Fortunately, they come in and get help, but it typically takes so much to bring them in, that it’s usually in really bad circumstances. Then the work becomes turning them towards their vulnerability and shame – a HUGE challenge. Once we get the ball rolling though, it’s like you see these guys wake up! It’s awesome! Traditional masculine roles paint such a small box for us to live in. It’s these expectations that we all have for the macho man to be successful at work, not take no for an answer and never show weakness that really fuel men’s shame. I don’t think it has to be that way though.

So much of this book jives with how I see the world and my clients. I can’t wait to read the rest! I’m sure I’ll find more to share.  

What do you guys think so far?