Being a Man: How To Improve The Nice Guy or Jerk

I’ve been doing a lot of work with men recently, helping them be the men that they really hope to be. Sounds easy. It should be, right? Find a killer career, get married, and raise a family. What else is there, right? Well, it is pretty hard, because I think it takes a lot more to be a successful man today than at any time before. That’s because with technology, we are constantly bombarded with content, demands, and frankly unrealistic examples or models of manhood. In the past men really have not had too many options. 

My friend Joe, captured it pretty well. He said, “We’re either the nice guy, or the jerk.”

The Nice Guy has no gumption, no follow through, no aspirations, and ultimately no conviction. The Jerk is also a terrible model because he is uncaring, cruel, and ultimately narcissistic and abusive. Nowhere did we see both a man who could be tender and loving to his mate and kind to his children, while also be a triple threat in the courtroom, business, or on game day! We were either this, but never that. The result: I think a lot of us have just given up. We either haven’t found models that can jive with our values, or we just aren’t inspired.

It doesn’t help that most of the males on TV sitcoms and movies alike, thrive on humor derived from dopey men that are constantly making mistakes, claiming to be masculine.

I have a problem with this because it’s demeaning, and it paints all men in a bad light. Thanks, but no thanks, Raymond! This is not masculinity. It’s at least not the masculinity that I hope for. I want to help men be more gutsy, more intelligent, and willing to work with others. Why can’t we find role models that are more driven to achieve, more willing to take calculated and important risks, and more dependable and faithful? Where are these men in the media?!

Men can be and do a ton of things!

They can be an asset to marriages, families, companies, and communities. But it all hinges on their ability to reject traditional ways of being a man. We really don’t have to assume the personality of one of the snow white’s seven dwarfs. We can be heroes! We can be necessary and essential!

It’s not enough to do this in only relationships. We need to start with us. We need to be better men, and we need to start now. 

If a guy really wants to be a business owner one day, or an artist, scientist, engineer, accountant, or lawyer, he’s going to need some help. By the way, I know that these are all jobs that have traditionally been held by men, but the fact is that more men are choosing not to pursue higher education each year. It’s estimated that by the year 2021 men will account for 42% of undergraduate enrollment and only 39% of all enrolled postbaccalaureate students. How come? We need to dream bigger!

1.     Improve yourself.

Is it going to be education, therapy, coaching, starting an exercise program or a new hobby? It really doesn’t matter where you begin, just start.

2.     Get Inspired.

Do a quick survey of your values and the men that have surrounded you in your life. What are they like? Do they inspire you? Whether they do or don’t, make a list of five manly skills that you hope to learn from another man. Then go out and find somebody that possesses those attributes or skills. My ideal, I want to find guys that combine these skills rather than just a one off. I want a guy that can catch his limit of salmon out on the river, teach me something about investing, and business, and maintain an awesome relationship. Think it’s impossible? Get to work. I think they exist.

3.     Learn to be Vulnerable.

You are not the end of the show, or the hero yet, you still need people. How do you get people on your side and have meaningful close relationships? One key ingredient: Vulnerability. If this is foreign territory and you don’t know what I’m talking about check out my earlier post all about men and vulnerability here. Then go and watch this TED talk from Brené Brown.