So there's this really lame joke that therapists are always hearing. Eight or nine times out of ten when I introduce myself and tell someone that I am a psychologist, they laugh and say, “Ha, bet you have me all figured out already,” or “Ha, guess you've been analyzing me. Maybe I should come by sometime.” I laugh politely and say, "No, no.” But here’s the truth: I’m lying. Because I’m always watching people! It’s what I have carved my life into. I've made it my business to see how people behave, why that might be, if they are happy, mad, sad, or simply making a show of an emotion, playing everybody else. It’s a blessing and a curse. But I’m not the guy that’s going to call people out when I just met them and especially not in public.

People watching is fun, but couple watching is even more fascinating and blindly easy. That’s because the quality of relationship is so visible. Particularly, the presence/absence of kindness is visible. Do they touch? Do they smile? Do they sit close to each other? Are there helping moments? On the other hand, do they smirk? Show contempt? Spend their time engrossed in their phones? Do they complain? Do they sound sarcastic or harsh?

So here’s the thing: Everyone constantly harps about the importance of communication. They act like the answer to all your dreams for eternal bliss lie in your ability to talk to your partner. Meh, talking is good, and people should really do more of it, but I don’t think it’s a deal breaker. There are a ton of long-lasting couples that talk about meaningful stuff very little. Here’s what the key is though: Kindness. Plain old kindness, like you should have learned at home, or at least from Sesame Street. It’s so overlooked and undervalued. People scour the internet, looking for the next, "Five Secrets to Good Sex," and "Three Ways to Know What She Is Really Thinking." It's nice, and there is plenty out there that can benefit a couple’s happiness and health together. But it won't go very far if you don’t know how to be kind.

Kindness is so critical because it is the basis for all vulnerability and conflict repair. Literally, it is impossible to have empathy for someone without kindness first! It is the foundational skill that develops long-lasting love in relationships. For me, acting out kindness in your relationship makes possible what John Gottman calls, “Building Lovemaps, Fondness, and Admiration." If you can be kind, you can re-frame a snarky comment or forgive an offense given when they might have had no sleep and a terrible day. It’s basic and simple. Kindness allows us to have patience when we really need it most!

For some random reason, you were initially attracted to this person and you thought at some point, "I don’t want to be with anyone else!" Well, given that background, don’t you think you could be more kind?

Give it a try.